I dare to dream

Earlier this year, I went to the doctor. It was...March I believe. I stepped on the scale and the number climbed all the way to 242 pounds. I don't know if that was bigger than what I was before I left to France. Truth is, I haven't weighed myself in years. I didn't want to see how big that number was.
242 is a horrible number. I'm 5'4" and 242 is far from the ideal weight.
So I changed my eating habits. i cut out red meat, limited my in take of chicken. Fried foods were gone, no soda...
I went out on 1.5mile walks. The hills on this damn neighborhood get the heart going. By July I weighed 221lbs.
I'm now down to 215 but I have been watching my food portions,and unfortunately I haven't been going out for my walks because my chest pain really made me feel lazy as heck! But I'm going to jump back on that horse!
My goal is to bring it to 199 by the new year. I can do it. I know I can.
But it's not just about weight, I have to get healthier. I'm on a multi-vitamin now (doctor's orders) and trying to cut my diary intake...limbo between going vegan, but I love meat too much. I'm upping the veggies intake.
I'm so wanting to get this taken care of.
When I had my chest pain, I thought it was related to my heart. And it was a wake up call. I don't want to get sick because of stupid eating habits. That fear ... I'll use it to make myself healthy! I could already feel the change in my menstrual cycle...the cramps aren't as killer.

But this is something that I can't wait to do. I have to do this for myself, my health. Besides, it felt good to see that number on the scale. I was at 180 in high school. I want to be smaller than that. My goal: 130lbs.

There I put it out there. And I am always motivated by setting goals and aiming to achieve them. So, it's all about will power.

I can do this.

My sister's friend is coming to visit her. He also visited her last summer....
just makes me feel a bit jealous and mad because none of my friends haven't made an effort or in the least mentioned that they would visit.
...
I know they might have their reasons and not everything turns out like you want it to, but I'm being selfish right now. I'm entitled to selfish moments, aren't I? of course I am.

I'm SUPER homesick for my brothers! :(

I really really HATE not being around for Maria's pregnancy! :(

I'm just wondering who fears death. And why.

I think I fear it because I don't think I'm a nice person. I don't think I deserve heaven. So if I die, I'm going to hell. I'm scared of hell. So that must be why I'm scared of death.

But it makes me sad to think that we have no say once you're gone. Whatever is supposed to happen to you will happen and you have no way of making it change.

I just know one thing, I want to turn my life around. I want to be a better person. I want to find/mend my relationship with God. I want to find that faith that I have lost and make it stronger than before.

But I wonder if I want all that for the wrong reasons. Because I'm afraid of hell so I want to kiss God's ass so he'll let me into heaven.

That's some brutal honesty...

But it doesn't mean I won't try it. I need to find my way back to God. I want to be a better catholic, a better person. I want to not fear death, not because I fear hell but because I want to feel that I made my life here the best it could be by playing the rules.

I don't know how to actively fix your faith...I just hope I do so.

I've perhaps doubted my believing in God for a while...and I may not be an avid church go-er and I don't quote from the Bible...I have TONS of questions about certain things the bible says but I haven't considered converting to another religion. It would be weird....I think, i mean 23 almost 24 years of being a Catholic, I'd feel like betraying a major/important part of my life.
With that being said, I do very much like to learn about other religions and cultures/traditions. :) a complete sucker for awareness/enlightenment.
....and is that a contradiction...i mean many of the enlightened/scholars do no believe in religion...*shrug*

I don't know his name...but he's from Family Guy....it's actually two guys from Family Guy.
I had to look up their names (it was killing me)

Herbert the old pedophile! and Quagmire with all his sexual stuff.

I'd have to say...I'd chose my friends. All my exes have been jerks and my friends are still here, having my back. But then again, it also depends how committed I'm to the guy and if it's reasonable to have to choose one or the other. But as of right now, I'm choosing my friends. :)

I'd definitely have to choose The Pact by Jodi Picoult. It is a good story that makes you think about appearances, love, friendships...a lot of things. But it's not like a text book that has like exercises to think about those things, it's entertaining as a story. It's a good fiction with a good plot and moral. I love it so much i couldn't put the book down and read it all in two sittings. It was good!

i always post this and i forgot to do it this year so i'll post it now!

( Survey )

BTW, Happy New Year everyone. I hope it all goes swell for us in '09.

i was going to write something real, but I am no longer in the mood. I'm just going to say one thing, my manager is a jerk who might not give me the days off when my brother is here to visit. I don't want to miss out on my brother's visit!!! It really makes me mad, and I hope he gives those days to me, otherwise I will be so angry nobody will want to cross my path.

Update later, in the meantime I'll leave this.



latez

LOL I'm Mexican! So yay to my country today! And tomorrow is my birthday so yay to me tomorrow.

Anyways, Do I have my own independence? Somewhat. I can do things but I'm restricted by others just because there are norms...and laws? haha. And Because I AM mexican, I really have a culture where my parents really allow me to do things because I was raised in a traditional setting in which and with a father who really lives by the motto "Don't do anything good that looks bad." so curfew is a drag, and living at home is a pain - at times. Oh well. I was going to write more but then something came up and I had to take care of that and now i dont really know where i was going with that. so....

Adieu!

Le francais me monque. (I miss french)? lol

i feel stupid i wanted to delete my lj start a new one
but I figured, i can't get rid of 6 years worth of entries
so i decided i should just go back and edit some
and delete certain entries
and .... i'm stupid
i'm barely going the the beginning entries
and just reading them makes me sick
"i love andre"
what did i know back then?
"james is awesome!"
stupid friendship is now down the drain
and stupid 'quizzes' that tell you "what kiss are you" "what kind of love are you"
and it's like...."you're the romantic hero"
"your love is pure"
and i'm just like...what the crap that was soooo long ago.
those pages were full of hope and determination
and now it's dwindled to what i am now
this cold hearted being that shields herself from everybody
and although, i keep some entries, i delete most
i dont want to remember eddie, or my "love" for andre, or read about how great i got along with james
i dont want to remember dark days
it's as if i'm ashamed of what my past is
the sick part is some moments/people i wish i could still have
it's just weird to see how much i've grown...and changed
i sort of pity the person i used to be, that dreamer who thought everyone got what they deserved. I know that's not how things work out
In some ways they do, in some ways they dont.
but i sorta miss that person, because at least there was a fight in her...


That is a conversation i had with a friend through IM. Yea...some entries will be deleted. some because i was so vague i dont remember the subject matter, some because it's about something I'm better off not remembering. Some I keep because the writing was damn good and some have comments from Sarah that i'd like to keep. I've gone through half a year's worth. I'll do some more later. Just wondering if anybody reads this anymore?

I'm almost done with my stuff....i've been putting it off because at times I have second thoughts. I was looking through my school work and I realized that this is hard for me because school is all i've ever known, and it is hard enough to graduate from college and going out to the professional world, but it is harder when you are leaving most of everything you know. Like I've stated before it is not only the people that I'm leaving behind but the things I know and can find comfort it. It is coming all at me way too fast, and I've always been able to adjust to new settings, but the change has never been this dramatic. I can't complain, I know my parents came to this country with nothing but the clothes on their backs and started literally from nothing. so in perspective I'm being selfish in hating this big change. Yes, it excites me, but it's weird to know that there is no turning back...

Ramon and I have been talking a lot more lately, which sucks because this is all happening now that I'm moving.

Anyways, I know I have been distant with all of my friends but it is weird to know that they won't be around the corner anymore. I don't know whether I should be packing while I'm feeling this way because I feel that I'll throw away stuff that once meant something to me but at the moment I resent or feel they'll only be a waste of space in the new home. It was easy for me to clear stuff in the garage because since I've been here (Jan 2007) I haven't gone looking for those items so it kind of tells me I have no need for them. I just looked through binders because I have literally kept all my binders/notes/notebooks from senior year in high school to now. I threw all of it out, well...except for the papers or things that I wrote out for an assignment, poems, or quotes....those I kept.

Sadly, I found a letter that Anna wrote me in July of 04....4 years ago. And I read it, If I had feelings I would cry. And that thought saddened me, but not enough to make me cry. You see, this letter was about how she believed that everybody that was my friend was lucky, that I was kind, and that she wished my parents would encourage me and show me love. She tells me that I'm strong and that it's admirable. And that one day I will have the family of my own which I've always dreamed about because I deserved it and that I'd have a career.

...

Are my friends still lucky to have me? Have I changed for the worse? I have grown and as much as I've changed there are things that remain the same...i still want my parents to say they're proud of me, I still want that man to rescue me, that family, that amazing career. But Am I really as strong as I once was? Am I still that person people can turn to? Am I still that person with the sense of humor? Or have I simply turned into this bitter being that rather not feel anything because of fear??? I don't know. Maybe there is a reason to why so many people I thought I'd have as friends forever have walked out on me and the reason I'm not good to making friends. I still want all those things but really it used to be that my career would second my family, but really the career is what drives me nowadays. I don't have control over my parent's actions towards me, I don't have control in making a man fall for me and giving me the family I so desire, and my career is something I have more control over, because I know that other factors may decide my career path (superiors, conditions, health etc) I've gotten used to the idea that parents will not be exactly what I want or need them to be....

and it saddens me at times, it just doesn't hurt me as much as it used to.

And this is when I think of Mark. It's my fault he doesn't love me anymore, I have become distant and cold. At times I feel like I would love to be like I was before sophomore year in high school, when I knew I could depend only on myself...i was damn near self sufficient. and now...

At times I regret having opened up. And I know it might hurt my friends that I say it, but I have the right to be selfish.

i think i'm losing it. I hate people tell me that it'll get better with time. Shut up. It doesn't...cause it only makes it that much longer since I last got to talk to them. It really bugs me and it really hurts me, and it takes a toll on me. I hate it. I wish I could just learn what it is like to be happy...but I never can think of a better day in my future. Because in the end I will not be able to share my happiness with them. I hate the fact that graduation is a semester and a half away....we were supposed to be these two college graduates, the first in our families. Two empowered chicanas who can't be fucked with...but i'm going to be graduating and she didn't even get the chance to do so herself....and that annoys the shit out of me.
...same goes for my cousin! he was doing so well after all the times he had trouble in school...he didn't even get to graduate from high school. It annoys me even more.

I don't know what to do when I get to thinking about them because it just hurts in my heart so damn much. Like i'm fucked for being alive and not being happy. I know that my cousin and sarah would have wanted me to be happy because thats just how they were, they didn't like seeing anybody down...and it sucks because i can't even do that for them. But they should know that i'm trying but it gets hard to have a holiday pass by and have them missing. I think this holiday season is going to be hell......last two years i got to run away from it....Mexico the first year, and Paris the 2nd year..but this year money is short and Mexico wont happen...and I am so anxious and scared. I'm already losing my mind...and my security blanket left me! fuck him ... i can't believe he did this to me that selfish son of a bitch.
but i can't do anything now. I don't know what to do. I wish i had the strength to get over it, but sarah was somebody who would help me through a lot......she just understood shit others can sort of understand, but she got it.....she just did. And i hate that she's missing and i want her back and i hate that i still cry because i can't stop it and i feel stupid and weak and i know that she wouldn't want me crying but i can't help it and I dont want to feel anything.......and sometmies i think that death would be ........ perhaps not.

i dont know. am i crying out for help? no. because if i believed people would save me i'd already be dead. I need to pull myself up and try to forge ahead. but for right now i think i need some down time because i need to rest...i need to rest i need to have a chance to be weak...if only for a while..................................then maybe soon i'll have enough strength...but thats just wishful thinking.

I sit here listening to john mayer, and I just start to wonder about things. How he can think of things I don’t bother to think about…well, I actually tell myself I don’t have time to think about it. Always think about here and now, because, after all, here and now is the only thing we have. The past is in the past and no matter how much we beg for a do-over, it just isn’t granted to us. The future is as uncertain as what happens to us after we die. Sure we believe that in the end of our road we’ll be sent to heaven or to hell, but who really knows? We have no control over it. Faith tells me that that’s how it is supposed to be. So, the future is nothing but us having faith. We need to have faith that our dreams will come true, we have to believe that no matter how hard things get, things will eventually look up. If we didn’t have this faith, this glimpse of hope, there is no future – for anyone. You can’t plan on the unknown. So we think about here and now, and we use it in order to prepare plan for the unknown. Here and now. Now and here. Sounds so dramatic, but it is really all we have.
So I listen to the soothing guitar that is nicely complimented by lulling sound of his voice. He thinks about things I don’t have time to think about in the here and now. What if I wake up thinking that somehow I did it wrong? That I put priority in things that don’t really matter? “Quarter life crisis? Or just the stirring of my soul?” I don’t know.
I feel alone sometimes. Truth is I wonder why it is that nobody in this family can be nurturing. “I love you” is replied with the belief that you’re about to ask for something. Like we’re afraid to love and be loved by our own ‘loved’ ones. Its funny and at the same time it is so irritatingly painful.
The words left unspoken.
The buried pain.
The muffled screams.
The tears that can’t be cried.
The concealed self.
The liberated spirit.
The damning loneliness.

I didn’t say things because I thought they’d hurt somebody. I completely ignored that I was hurting myself for not doing saying them. And I had no other option but to bury the pain. The smile. The laugh. The jokes. Anything to avoid getting too damn personal. The shame of looking in the mirror and knowing that you were so much better than that, and hating yourself for letting down your barriers. For adding members to your family. To admitting that you can’t be just you, you have to let others in. Muffle the scream that is thick with anger. You dared to care. Somehow there was something right about going against what you believe. The concealed self that is just too tired of hiding. Doesn’t really know how to come out in the open…it has known nothing but darkness. Sometimes scary, but it comes out. The spirit is liberated and it is so good to be what it is. Knowing joy that it was once afraid to feel. Wishing that time hadn’t been wasted as it has been. Yet it understands that it helped build character and flaws that it must overcome; flaws which provide clear goals that motivate it to continue improvement of self. The damning loneliness it left behind. Yet, if you take a closer look, there is a different type of loneliness. Although it is evident that the danger lurks, there is no way to avoid it, so one prepares, here and now, – in the back of one’s mind - to confront it.

So, maybe John Mayer is right. There is no such thing as the real world. As we grow up they tell us about “out there in the ‘real world’” is the world we are living in now…is it fake? Does it mean nothing? Because it is weird how so much of the things that happen to us in our younger years turn out to be the things that define and shape the us that will later go on to live in this ‘real world.’ What is the ‘real world’? I don’t get that concept. I used to believe that it meant once you were independent of your family and taking care of you. Hmmm. Then I’m still not out there in the ‘real world.’ In that case, I’m not out in the real world yet. So therefore, all those feelings described above are meaningless and do not count. Is that how it works? Does it mean after high school? Well then I guess my cousin, who passed away before the age of 18, didn’t experience the real world either, so his anguish and pain must not have meant a thing! I don’t get it.
So I sit and think. What is this really all about? And I have no answer. At least not in the top of my head, but for some reason I feel like going out for a drive. A long drive. A drive to a random place. To think. To breathe.
Random memories are in the back of my head. Some happy. Some sad. Some so painful that you wonder why you allow them to surface. Goodbyes, hellos. So random. I love you. I hate you. I need you. Leave me alone. Smile. Frown.
Right here and now, I’m thinking about the future…a bit about the past. To see how far I’ve come along. It’s been a long way. Who knows what will happen next? Here and now I’m just asking questions. The answers may never come, but hey, at least I asked, at least I wondered, at least I was brave enough to look into the darkness; at least I’m trying to do this thing right.

I need help researching for a presentation. Whether you are male or female please list things that you do to maintain your appearance. What types of beauty products do you use? How much do you spend? What is a priority?
The easier question would be something like....when you went to prom what did you have to do to get ready for the date (either the day of or in preparation)?

I thank you all in advance. :)

christina love
lookie my icon! lol
and

you know...when you go away from home, and you just miss the people and the things you'd do...or you simply miss being in a familiar place? but it takes time for you to get homesick, right? I mean it doesn't hit you as soon as you leave the house or a day later...if you take long enough trips it hits you...

it feels like that...like when she passed I knew i wasn't going to see her, or hear from her, or be able to share with her anything anymore...but as time passes, it just HITS me...i miss her and it hurts terribly.

i thought it would get better with time, but is it me, or does it seem to get worse? as time passes i just want to be hanging out with her again, and that's impossible....

This is from.....geee...March 5th 2004. DAMN

01.) Graduate with my Business degree.
02.) Open up as many clubs as possible.
03.) Get married.
04.) Have kids.
05.) Go to Italy. ESPECIALLY VENICE!
06.) Go to France.
07.) Visit Chicano Park in San Diego, CA.
08.) Go on a road trip with friends.
09.) Go to Britain.
10.) Officially own a star. (i should call Star Registry)
11.) Own a home.
12.) Learn Italian.
13.) Learn Japanese.
14.) Go to Japan.
15.) Plan my wedding...no wedding planner for me.
16.) Decorate my home (preferable with the aid of my husband).
17.) Go to a 50 Cent concert.
18.) Learn how to roller skate.
19.) go ice skating.
20.) Go bowling.
21.) Learn how to swim a lot better than i supposedly do.
22.) Go to the beach. (never been to the beach.)
23.) Make a snow angel. (never been to the snow.)

27.) Own the entire collection of Friends Seasons.
28.) Have a romantic candle lit dinner on a balcony.
29.) Take the family to Disney World.
30.) Go for a ride in a hot air balloon.

37.) Get on at least ONE rollercoaster.
38.) Take lots of dance lessons.

40.) Visit some Aztec ruins in Mexico.
41.) Go to the State capitol.

43.) Study abroad.
44.) Go to Puerto Vallarta...and if i can afford it, rent a villa there.
45.) Go to China.


these are things that i need to rethink...as you see most of them have been deleted because its just not in me anymore....is that good or bad? *shrug*

well i have a couple of things that made my day crummy. but there is ONE thing that made it all WHOOOOO! i love it too much i want to just squeel like a little girl and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee...okay

well i guess i'm not going to gwen anymore...i'm too damn broke and I dont really like the fact that Akon is opening. blah.

anyways...i was going to talk to my crush today with the intention of making it clear that i'm hella interested and well i cant go into details now because i have to get up early tomorrow and i'm sleepy....

but i will tell you this much:

he asked me to go away with him for a weekend.

stay tuned. :)

I'm glad my sister is coming because i am going to get to do the touristy thing with her, and thus I get to take another glimpse at the beauty that is Paris. I have been here for 4 months and it was the greatest thing that has happened to me. I can't believe it is coming to an end.

With eva here I am going to be so excited! We are going to go to all the places that just make paris the most romantic city in the world.

It is weird though. I have no friends that have ever spent christmas away from their Parents/immediate family. ...I am only going to spend it with my sister. I wonder how my parents feel spending their first christmas without TWO of their kids?! I can't believe that at age 21 i'm spending christmas with only my sister!!! Its even crazier that Eva at age 18 is doing the same. ...just weird how I seem to always pave the way for her. ...i guess its always going to be that way. She gets to do shit i didn't do at her age. I wonder when its going to stop. hmmm...

oh well....

This is going to be a crazy Christmas. I am going to cry when I pick up my sister at the airport tomorrow. I don't give a shit who knows or wants to make fun of that. =)

Evamaria + Blanca in PARIS baby!

Thank you God for such a wonderful opportunity!